NOTE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS
AND THEN ADJUST YOUR STRATEGY TO THAT REALITY
A "PATTERN"
So, Daniel, our overachiever-approval-seeker, says and does the following:
"After this super-busy time (in June), I'll be free to learn and solve these things that are ruining my life, especially my being too busy for life and not having time for my true priorities. I'm sorry that I'm too busy to spend time with you this week, even though you came all this way to visit."
A summer that will be free for the highest value activity of all seems to end up being considered as "free time", fillable by any demand that comes along. Then the visitor comes in September to visit again and sees that, again, Daniel is too busy. Daniel apologizes profusely and with much guilt for being too busy, but he couldn't help it, he "had to" take on these things, it's all part of his volunteer job, they asked, I was the only one who could do it well, etc. and etc.
But, he says, I'll be sure to build in time for the learning and to make progress as I go from here...
Fast forward to February and he is stressed to the max, busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger, but he'll read the book sent to him (Crazy Busy) when he gets snippets of time [which is the strategy used by all people who continue to make themselves "Crazy Busy" as a lifestyle.]
Then, he says, the crunch will be on with his "obligations" until mid-May, and then he has nothing scheduled and then he will put in the top priorities and learn what to do to make his life work better....
Shades of Deja Vu!
DOES ANYBODY BELIEVE THIS?
Nobody believes him, as he just keeps living his version of Groundhog Day, in slightly tweaked variations but essentially the same.
He is always asking for advice and for comforting from his angst and ongoing conflict, but, as is the pattern with people who are ineffective in life itself, he does not take any advice and then implement what is effective.
He has always been too busy, "due mostly to outside circumstances" (not seeing that it is he that is the cause of it all), too busy for his life, for achieving peace of mind and true fulfillment, for his relationship...as he continues to flush his life down the drain for some reasons he may not be totally aware of - needing approval, can't give up the "status", fear of having nothing to do or not knowing what to do with freed up time, fear of having to think and confront - possibly all of these. And it does not seem to occur to him that those reasons might be based on false beliefs and believed "needs" that simply are invalid, based on the evidence that they do not work to produce what is most desired!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He still wants to hold on, with the belief that somehow he can cram it all into the human pipeline and be able to Have It All, with no costs and no tradeoffs (which is typical of those who do not win in life - they are so stuck in the weeds and unable to see the big picture that they fear any loss of any sort).
AND WE KEEP GOING DOWN THE SAME TUNNEL WITH NO CHEESE?
So it goes with us humans, lulled into unconsciousness we continue on the same road, failing to notice that it is not working but hoping that somehow the old strategy and thinking will work this time, if we just tweak it here or there or somehow have more willpower or...many "if-thens" or "if-onlys". This is the road to being a loser in life, with good intent and being a good person, but still losing at life, not getting that which is of most value in life.
Or we could look and choose a new road, if there is sufficient motivation (that hopefully doesn't have to wait until the person hits rock bottom).
THE NEW ROAD - PICKING THE RIGHT ROAD THIS TIME!
Stop.
Plan the steps, including learning what is needed (as a vital link in the chain!).
Make the commitment to follow the steps.
Implement (do the steps).
In this case, to implement the steps the person must build into his/her life the time structure that will enable/assure that there is enough time, pushing aside other lesser things we want to do that are of "some value" but not nearly as much. (People who do not succeed operate from the vice versa of this, pushing aside what is of great value by inserting, seeming with little or no judgment, what is of "some (lesser) value".)
And the person cannot keep one foot on both paths. The shift to the new road must be complete and definite, or success is not likely to happen.
Yes, he needs to learn how to be life value productive. However, a part of the necessary process is always changing the core beliefs that keep the problem in place ongoingly. And it requires a fair amount of time to change the approval seeking trap that he has been caught up in all of these years.
The only way out is to set aside sufficient time to learn what is going on, how things works and then how to work them so that he will be able to create and live from a new belief that is actually true and effective. He must be free from the approval "need" belief so that he can no longer be caught in the child mode of lower personal power. There is no way around it - he simply cannot keep that belief if he is to succeed. The other path must be abandoned immediately and there is best no tolerance at all for living in the undesirable life, even if there is a seemingly scary cost to doing the transition expeditiously - holding on to the old way "due to the attenuating circumstances" that are used as the excuse for going slowly, with little commitment, sticking one's toe delicately into the cold water to test it and "see if" one wants to make the plunge.
Make the plunge right away. The initial shock of cold will soon be replaced with the warmth of having progress much, much sooner.
