5% OF TIME ON PROBLEMS, 95% ON SOLUTIONS
WATCH YOUR LIFE TAKE OFF!
THE REASONS FOR ALWAYS "TALKING ABOUT"
"I talk about my problems because somehow I know that'll help me understand them."
"I need others to understand me and my problems."
While these may have some validity, one might notice that the people who keep using that as a reason to talk more about their problems are not doing well in life.
Not that they're bad or wrong as a person. It's just a strategy that doesn't work - so it is time to develop another strategy - one that works!
BUT NOTICE "WHAT WORKS" AND "DOESN'T WORK"
Notice the logic that if one spends only 5% of the time on a solution, one is less likely to be able to spend sufficient time to "complete", to the point of solving the problems (not stopping before that!). The result, which is the evidence, is that they person has lots of ongoing problems. "What you do not complete, you're doomed to repeat" (or re-experience!). People who don't do well in life spend 95% of their time on the problem (thinking and/or talking) and 5% on the solution (problem solving). What they "get" from it is a deeper imprinting of the problem into the brain and set up the alarm system in the brain to be more sensitive and concerned, since a "problem" represents an out of balance, and therefore less surviving, condition - and the brain always tries to get back in balance, to seek its Homeostasis (of relative safety and being problem free).
THE SOLUTION TO CREATING SOLUTIONS
The solution for making more progress is always to discipline oneself to intervene as soon as possible and to limit oneself to no more than 5% of the time thinking/talking about the problem and to engaging at least 95% of the time in working on the solution.
"But I have to talk about it to really understand it."
Yes, that's somewhat true. But you can count as part of the solution time talking about the problem but only if it is in an analytical way that is part of the path that is used toward the solution.
If one does "analysis" that is only partial and does not lead further toward the solution, one surely cannot get to the endpoint. "I understand that this was because of my thoughts as a child that I was threatened with survival when my mother criticized me..." is fine, perhaps, as the first part of a path, but if it stops there, one has, again, "stopped short" - and "stopping short" is always the problem for people who don't do well in life.
DIVERSIONS INTO "FAUX" PROBLEM SOLVING AND/OR INTO INEFFECTIVE APPROACHES
"This problem is because of the verbal abuse of my mother so I am sensitive and stuck with it." While this is also "partial" - and it may actually be a "reason" for one being stuck - which exacerbates keeping the problem and gets in the way of seeking a solution.
This is the type of thinking included in the "fixed mindset" and not in the "growth mindset" - the latter is where a person does not spend any time justifying, trying to "look good", and/or defending who they believe themselves to be and, instead, just says "I have a learning problem here, so I will gladly learn about this so I can solve the problem, instead of keeping on 'cuddling up' with the problem."
A more solution oriented person will write down the "conversation" and the elements of the problem and then analyze each part and correct it as well as one can on the "first pass" - and then the person will take it further up the problem solving ladder by adding more knowledge and/or analysis to make the corrections and strategies into being even more powerful.
TALKING VERSUS WRITING
Yes, one could talk about the problem and inject the analysis as one talks, and that would be somewhat helpful.
But the danger is that it is on the path of non-completion - and the path of the "always seeking growth but not attaining it" people! The latter would swear that they are trying their best, but while they may be efforting they are not doing what works - as one can see by looking at the evidence: still being plagued with problems, often constantly on the mind and on their lips.
True analysis does not happen "in the air" but only happens in writing - and in several stages that lead toward solution. True problem solving is not brought about by seeking "insights" or wise sayings/ideas from others and then "feeling better", meaning that the discomfort of the problem is relieved - that is what is called "palliative", just designed to relieve pain or discomfort. The result is that that person becomes a "dilettante" of learning life, but not a true problem solver - the person needs to take the valuable insights or tips and to use them as part (only as "part") of the solution process.
A true problem solver carries the ball all the way into the end zone, not stopping short just because they have done "enough" to relieve discomfort (metaphorically, make "some yardage").
So the rule is to catch yourself at 5% and to stop and go into the true problem solving mode, not just going through a few of the motions but fully completing the process and not stopping until one has reached the "end zone" and achieved true victory.
WHAT IS THE "PROBLEM SOLVING PROCESS"?
A person who has few, if any, problems (often called a "winner" in life) is one who understands and engages in a systematic problem solving process. Note that the person had to spend sufficient time to learn what the process is and how to do it - as with anything in life, one has to learn about IT and learn how to do it, rather than waiting for a miracle or simply just leaving problems unsolved. Read the section on it, starting with the intro page: Problem Solving, Decision-Making, Creating Change - Closing The Gap, To Reach The Wanted Result - and consider using the formats at the end of that page and the related checklist for problem resolution. Along the way, one must, must, must learn Effective (Critical) Thinking (watch the free short video course).
Of course, you can start using the forms (select which is best for you, keep a copy accessible) that carry you through the process.
I suggest that you make THE COMMITMENT, right now, to follow this rule/guideline:
"From this moment forward, I will limit myself to 5% or less of the time talking/thinking about my problem and devote 95% of the time to problem solving."
THE GUARANTEED RESULTS
If you do this, it is inevitable and indisputable that your life will get to be massively better - not just a little bit, but a huge amount better!
This also means that one does not get to complain (which is obviously about a problem) or even allow oneself to do "ain't it awful" evaluations. Period.
No blaming is allowed, as that is an identifying of the other person as being the problem and/or origin of the problem - in lieu of being responsible in life for doing what is forwarding regardless of whatever the circumstances are or whatever people do. Irresponsibility, i.e. victimhood, is placing "the cause" as being "out there" and letting things stop there, rather than proceeding on doing more of what works no matter what.
In growth seminars, they often refer to people being "at effect" (at the effect of circumstances and other people's action) and ending up being the victims of life - or "being at cause" (in the matter of one's life), which of course means that they are devising solutions and acting on them, regardless of the crap that occurs in life.
One cannot possibly be effective in life if one keeps telling one's stories (complaints) and complaining about life and other people, including criticizing others - the latter is also "not permissible" in healthy thinking and living.
A classic complaint of the "problem-talker", with perhaps some anger at a suggested limitation, is that the person who suggests not talking about one's past, other than in a problem solving mode or for positive reasons, is asking the ridiculous. What they fail to notice is that this is not really limiting or impossible. One can talk about good memories from the past and/or talk about the past in a positive, informing way to new acquaintance - that's fine and recommended. But talking of the past in the "ain't it awful" mode, in ways that are "offputting" for the listener, or using it as a justifier is definitely off limits - not to be mean, but in order to stop the downward spiral that such talk leads into.