"BEING NEUROTIC"
OVERWHELMED WITH CONCERNS THAT ARE OF NO CONSEQUENCE
- AND IN THE PROCESS, LOSING THE QUALITY OF LIFE
tba, to be worked on with more examples, but the idea is probably pretty clear. Email me if you wish this finished.
results) in a short period of time. That is, of course, my absolute intention.
TOO MUCH TO HANDLE AT ONCE - BOMBARDED WITH FEARS
If a person is bombarded with too many fears and threats to handle at once, the person will be overwhelmed with reactions designed to have one go into survival mode - and everything, including having a good life, will be displaced. That is just the way the mechanical brain works - it is not a pejorative judgment nor is "you shouldn't be that way" implied at all - it's just a description of the mechanical.
SOME EXAMPLES
Here is an example, from a person who is still believing so many "shoulds" and other false beliefs that he is in constant fear and anxiety - which is a horrible way to live life and a terrible thing for somebody to keep allowing to exist in their lives.
Note how each one is "kinda" supported by the culture, although many are misconstrued and resulting from misunderstandings that remain in place.
What is "interesting"?
(What is "interesting" to the primitive brain is anything it interprets to bring it pleasure and/or higher survivability.)
Said to a coach, whose job it is to support the other person: "You are an uninteresting person. You never share what bad stuff happens to you. People in our Anonymous group share their past all the time." A related version is "to feel comfortable with a person I must know that they are vulnerable to", implying most likely that to be liked and to feel safe with a person they "must be as flawed as me; otherwise I am threatened". However, one is often, in actuality, safer with a person who has few problems unsolved and who has more wisdom and a good worldview.
The person failed to differentiate as to the reason it was appropriate and helpful in the Anonymous group, as it helped the person and/or other people get more insight into what occurred and the process one has gone through to correct at least some of that. It is an exercise in growth. In contrast, a person who frequently repeats their "story" is most often offering an explanation of why they are so damaged or stuck. Each time the story is repeated for other than progressive reasons it is "grooved in deeper and deeper", becoming more and more of an automatic thought. When a person is telling their story in a growth mode, he/she is injecting questions and/or strategies that could make things better - and essentially being a "pattern interrupt", which tends to reduce the "grooving" effect.
My statement to that person was that "Notice that I never talk about my past" (in our conversations). I hardly do it at all. She took it to mean that one should "never talk about his/her past", which in no way did I say. She then got miffed about that, as if it was another "too certain" statement. (There was nothing to get miffed about!) What I said with regard to "storytelling" about one's path is that it should only be done when one is sincerely involved in making progress from it, actually analyzing and re-thinking it. Repeating anything grooves it further into the primitive brain's recording, so that thing comes up more often and automatically and more strongly. Breaking that pattern is key. Talking about one's past for a positive purpose is just fine, as long as the listener is engaged and interested and/or can get something out of it.
You "should"...
"It makes me angry that you won't share with me and be a human being. People should do that..." No "it" (the not sharing) isn't the cause of your feeling angry. The emotion is a "protection" emotion of "fight" - but used wrongly in this case, since there is no one to fight. A neurotic person might engage in this dysfunctional strategy thinking it will be a successful device to "control" the other to get them to do what makes the neurotic person more comfortable. It is an ineffective attempt at manipulation, except that it may work with other neurotic people, who will withdraw and comply in order to not be attacked any more. In the long run, that device will drive people away - plus it will harm the person doing it. Yes, in some cases, people are not aware of the beliefs behind what they are doing, but it is irrelevant to judge a neurotic person - my point here is that the strategy and the beliefs must be revised or they will keep on doing damage.
WHAT IS EXCITING (STIMULATING)?
A neurotic person will interpret life as being interesting because of the "drama", which is certainly stimulating - but the trauma is a total misuse of life! And one does not need it to make life interesting!
We can live life without the drama and, instead, focus on those stimulations that are healthy - and we'll feel much better. A person not fully knowing that a better life can be lived will use his same old ways to get relief and stimulation. A "cutter" gets stimulation, but surely that is not what we want out of life.
People can walk into a room and be quickly drawn into an "attractive" person and "turned on" so that the person interprets the turn on as a "love reaction" or some version thereof. But as Harville Hendrix points out in his Imago theory, our brain is "excited" by running into a person that is similar to one of his caretakers and finally having the opportunity of solving the things that he couldn't solve with that caretaker. (See The Biochemistry Of "Love".) He/she is most often not aware of this, though. The brain is "turned on" by anything that helps solve problems that affected its version of "better survivability".
Of course, people are excited by anticipating how wonderful things will be in an idealized relationship - and then they are disappointed when reality doesn't turn out that way. The failure to be in touch with reality is a trait of "being neurotic"
YOU MUST INTERVENE...
They are so bombarded and distracted that it is difficult to focus and stay on a continuous path, but somehow they must discipline themselves to practice staying on the path just a little longer as often as they can - for we must intervene in this constant spiraling in order to get out of the spiral. It takes effort, but it is so very much worth it!
URGENCY AND TOP, TOP PRIORITY
This person needs to go into a "full court press" to intensely work on correcting the beliefs as soon as possible, as too many harmful beliefs are being left intact to function well as a person. Happiness is not possible without doing so. One cannot be happy with so many constant fears and anxieties.
Yes, it takes work. And you can't stop and start or get distracted with other things if you are to make the best progress. And you can't spend your time on "correcting the symptoms", as you've got to correct the root causes or you'll keep getting the symptoms.
The person must implement journaling and writing down their self-talk and what beliefs must be behind one's thinking - and then correct them as soon as possible. And the person must be ruthless, determined, and totally intolerant of allowing the crap beliefs to remain uncorrected in his/her life.
Notes for inclusion later
people must be the way the neurotic person thinks they should be as he cannot tolerate the seeming danger of the other people letting them down, failing to approve of them or... (need to learn self care and the paradigms around non-dependency)
as part of paranoid danger conditioning, look for flaws in other person and any dangers in their lack of compassion or caring or in what they do, looking for safety, lashing out against the imagined dangers...
People are really screwed up, the nature of being human...like me, the world is like me. No
that's our natural way of being - no it is the default without critical thinking.
dependence on another - make them perfect enough to have to be able to give me what I want
So many criteria, people can't meet, fewer and fewer friends, always finding fault
not sufficiently questioning self and beliefs - it take alot of time to have so many neurotic concern
simplify and free up energy.
condition for being ok , other act and..
alt stside - not able to appreciate , so intent on defending and criticizing as a false strategy of defense.
life is so much simpler with no neurotic beliefs
alot of time to judging people
interesting? intesting problems, shared problems, life controlling others, dpendence on others s/b
stmulate myself w compassion, empathy, working for eliminating suffering - interest not defense but growth
most people will be resentful about giving up so much time without compensation...
comms
And I can understand your wanting "editorial comments"if you are htinking about a book or improving the website, but it just doesnt feel comfortable to me to do thumbs up or thumbs down [an opportunity for her to examine the underlying belief]....I often do not have a reaction right way ..and sometimes I am just neutral or sometimes something will hit home....overall,.I find the majority of your writings helpful....tho some like never referring to your past seems a bit "over the top" [the actual thing that was said "You will never speak of it again unless it is for a progressive, positive purpose" in The Past And Now.]
.....there would be few interesting speakers at al-anon if they did not share what life was like before/after..... And other things such as lifting up for someone (you) that giving alot without payback is the breeding ground for resentment --- this is not taking care of another...this is just a trying to stay tuned in to the relationship and its dynamics, it is being sensitive to the other.....there is this rigidity in the way you view things...spmetimes almost no gray [Actually said: Giving Advice And Help]--- and that is definitely not helpful.
people hav to be how I want them to be and I have alot of criteria - and few freiends if any
