NEEDINESS - A POSITION OF WEAKNESS IN LIFE -
'TIS BEST TO CHOOSE FROM STRENGTH!
RUN BY OUR NEEDS?
Many people believe that we are just human beings run by our needs and that we should just accept that and deal with the symptoms when they occur.
But are we?
How much more than just reactive animals are we capable of being??? Are the givens about what humans need truly what the culture says? Do we actually need to be "run" by these (culturally created needs that are not really needs)?
It is true that there are certain needs which are very, very powerful and which are close to impossible to overcome. The need for food when we are starving or in a very deprived state. The need for water. The need for air. The need to save ourselves from a tiger or a real threat to our survival. We'll do anything for the latter, as we will for air, and we'll do it quickly. The other two will be at their powerful level only when the degree of need has been heightened (we've been without food and water for a prolonged period).
Note, as discussed further down, we fabricate "unfilled needs" that are not really needs at all, yet they contribute to our sense of neediness - and do damage, for no real benefit.
THE CROSSOVER POINT
On a spectrum from no need at one end to absolutely compelling need at the other, there is a crossover point. From the high end, we have no real choice, as we are compelled to "survive".
Coming down from the high end, we will find that there is a crossover point at which we (our higher brains) actually have more power than a lessed degree of a particular 'need'.
For instance, we can choose to fast for quite a period of time, where our higher brains have the power over the impulses to eat.
Indeed, in all but rare truly threatening circumstances, we can exercise the power of our brains to make a choice that will have a greater benefit, usually over time, than to fill a need for the short term that may not have as much value and/or is harmful. See Managing The Elephant.
WITH TOUGHER CONFLICTING NEEDS, WE MUST STRATEGIZE
A very wise person would be aware of the times when he/she could not win the battle over the primitive mind and its control of the body. He/she would anticipate such and work a strategy around that, one that works in reality. (A strategy, or a "process", is what makes the difference as discussed in The Skill And The Process For Effective Change - A Vital Key To Success In Life. The better you get at this, the more successful you will be in life.)
A very wise person would go into each day in a "non-needy" state, with an emotional strength and personal power tank that is filled up - and then he/she would make choices during the day by what is of actual value rather than what was needed to fill an empty neediness.
He/she would NOT be driven by a need for approval and wouldn't be determined by the agendas of others and the pressures from them to do something. He/she would be truly free of living a life that is determined by "out there" (outside of ourselves) - a life where one was free to choose what was of truly the greatest value for oneself.
He/she would not be walking around with a vague, ambiguous background conversation of being empty or not filled up enough, of not being good enough or of not accomplishing enough or feeling emptiness in some way.
PROPER PREMIUM ON OUR OWN SELF!!!!!
We fail to properly value ourselves and our own happiness and needs. We do it out of guilt (such as the cultural imperative of "I must not be selfish" and "I must be selfless and good and giving and…"). We do it out of the sister of guilt: not being worthy or not being 'good enough'. We create value for others and we somehow fail to think that it is worth our while to create value for ourselves. (Incredible! And inappropriate and damaging.)
We end up with too little self care and a sense of not being "filled up" - and we end up feeling needy while trying to be strong and while using highly unproductive strategies to offset the neediness (and sometimes cause damage). While much of what we do is for the sake of contributing to others, the irony is that the weakness produced by this neediness actually robs us of being able to have the power to contribute much more to other people (!). (A hard concept to see and understand.)
The fact of the matter is that we buy into a whole bunch of erroneous beliefs and then believe they are the truth, so we run our lives based on those untruths. And we fail to see that evolution (and/or God's wish) dictates that our own needs in our own internal world are at least 10 times in actual value than that of other's needs - and in most cases the numbers are multiplied by 100 or 1000+. Value delivered to yourself is worth many, many times that same thing delivered to someone else! (Those who are self deprecating will most likely have a rather strong emotional response to that truth.)
One who does not recognize this "premium" of value is selling oneself short and, in the process, taking away the power that one can have to create a greater life for oneself AND for others.
TRUE PEACE AND PERSPECTIVE ON RELATIONSHIPS
Yes, evolution has created us to feel more secure from having friends and people loyal to us, as banding together caused us to survive better.
So, fine, do go for having friends and relating and loving people, as it naturally feels better.
But if we know we are not dependent, we do not have to hunger for always being with others nor do we have to constantly seek reinforcement (as we have already reinforced ourselves) from others. We will no longer have to have people like us in order for us to feel good about ourselves ("I need to be liked. It is one of my top values. I need it." I hear that, but it is not actually a valid "need".).
Imagine, if we needed no approval and didn't need people to provide for us and had no insecurity or no need to assure that others will cooperate and support us or even like us, then how free we would be to live as we truly wanted - completely independently choosing relationships freely and without neediness nor limitations? I'm not saying we need to arrive at the level of enlightenment of 100%, but wouldn't there be a huge amount of freedom and power even at 80%?!!!
Then we would make choices based on a whole new perspective on our needs and values (and rewards in life). We could choose to do what truly does feel good about being with people. And, I say, that we would be engaging in giving out love and compassion on a higher level free of a conflicting neediness, not because we want to win over the other or get love or approval from the other. That freedom and that outward flow would cause us to get even more out of our relationships.
And, we'd be fine with being alone, as a free choice, when it has more value.
We would be at peace with relationships, living in true perspective about how life works the best.
WHAT DO WE DO TO GET TO THAT LEVEL?
First, learning and understanding how your mind and body work will have huge dividends (if we do it "sufficiently" - i.e. at a level of actually being generally able to get the results we want from managing our bodies and minds).
Part of the process, which we will understand only from our learning of how things work in life, is to "plug the leaks" that cause us to have empty, or low level, emotional tanks.
EMPTINESS AND THE CONSTANT BACKGROUND ANXIETY
One of the big signs of this emptiness shows up in a constant background anxiety, in addition to clear specific moments of anxiety.
A good sized part of that background anxiety is the "feeling" that there is "just not enough", in many areas of life. However, please note that it is not an actual feeling, as it is actually only a thought. And it is that thought that gives us the feeling. Unfortunately, the feeling is usually of fear of some sort, fear of being short of what we "need" to be happy - and that feeling gets blended in with the thought into a becomes vague and generalized mental soup. We tend to characterize the feeling associated with such vagueness as "anxiety" - a general low level of constant distress, sometimes rising to higher levels when circumstances tweak the fear. ("Oh, I just didn't perform well enough at the cocktail party with the big wigs. Woe is me…").
[The reason why I use the word "distress" is to be clear and to distinguish what really feels bad and upsetting from "stress" itself.]
SHORT TERM STRESS IS NORMAL; DISTRESS IS NOT
We can, and must, at times, feel "stress" in order to adjust positively to attain a result or to return to a homeostatic high functioning balance.
People who allow themselves to stay in a dysfunctional out of balance physical or mental condition are failing to realize that it is imperative that we return to high functioning (homeostatic) balance - asap!
Sometimes we choose to use "stress" to achieve some benefits. For instance, to grow one's muscles, one must stress them to the point where there is breakdown and subsequent repair to a higher level of strength.
Stress is merely "pressure" needed to marshal a sufficient force to have something occur. "Distress" is often thrown into the definition of stress, but it is to be distinguished as being further along the spectrum line of stress, away from what is productive and what feels ok over to what is upsetting, destructive, and/or what feels like suffering. Indeed, "distress" is defined in the dictionary as "extreme anxiety, sorrow, or pain".
As we progress along the stress-distress line, there is a point of crossover into "distress" at various levels. And we should recognize that as soon as possible because distress is physically and psychologically harmful - sometimes only a little but often at a substantial level. The wise person corrects the condition promptly, not tolerating any damage!
It is distress that is what lowers the quality of life, so distress is what we want to strategize out of existence or down to at least a very minimal level.
FALSE EXPECTATIONS, FALSE LOSS
We inappropriately get swept up into expectations and versions of "what is enough". to the degree that we will always be "falling short", living in the condition of "not enough" - with a background conversation almost always going on in our head of "not enough", danger, better do something, negative chemicals constantly being felt - and those all represent a "threat" level to the primitive brain.
Moreover, we also experience a "sense of loss", because we imagine that we have "lost" something that should be a given, almost as if we "have" it and can lose it. What we think we are losing it that which we expect and hold as "enough" to be ok with it.
"Loss" is, of course, considered to be a threat to life and/or well-being in a primitive mind sense - so the primitive mind is constantly trying to do something about the threat of loss, to right things, so that we can be high functioning and being in a state of constant (faux) danger from the (faux) threats. (Since the way the primitive system "rights" things is by using "motivating" chemicals, we feel discomfort and a sense of suffering. See The Story Of Our Happy And Unhappy Chemicals.)
It is essential that you understand this thoroughly and quash the self-created unnecessary spiral of suffering from it!
WE NEED TO CREATE A SENSE OF "ENOUGH"
Instead of this we need to create a sense of enough, a sense of adequacy both in terms of life being more than adequate and one's self being more than adequate.
That is why I keep pushing for and hoping for people doing the whole program of understanding - and specifically completing the "enough" and "sufficient certainty" modules (see below).
Read these and do the exercises for you to "complete" the loop so that you are operating free of this - do not tolerate leaving any of this constant angst and fear in place - life cannot be lived well with it still being there, as a constant, repeating background conversation and source of distress.
A contributor to sufficient certainty and to "enough", is setting up the mandatory foundation of knowing What I Have, For Sure - My Mountain Of Haves Versus The Preposterous Idea Of Unreasonable Expectations. You will have already read some of the pieces in the sidebar if you've done what is necessary in the two previous pieces, so all you need to read is the pieces left to read in the sidebar. Of course, the "contents/links" section is to be used for reference and studies that are separate and in greater depth.
Even doing things that are directly beneficial in running one's life have an effect on creating a sense of certainty (and confidence), such as Setting Effective Boundaries - Freeing Oneself . If one wobbles on and backs off on setting effective boundaries one is inflicting a huge cost on oneself - and, though it is hard to see until you thoroughly learn this, you harm or take away the gift that you could be and give to others in your strength and higher level of being. Do not tolerate going beyond the truly optimal level - and you can "sense" when you are improperly compromising…
WHAT SHOULD I HAVE GOTTEN FROM THIS?
I would like you to see the incredible worth in your doing "the work" (and tolerating no less!) necessary to achieve a very positive "background conversation" in life and in your head that is totally free, where you are talking to yourself such that you are feeling "enough", you know you have "enough", you know that the few losses (givebacks) in life are no big deal and not a threat, you feel certain and safe - and are on a solid foundation that has you filled up and powerfully choosing in life, without faux fears about faux threats. On the other side of this, I want you to no longer feel that constant distress from your background conversation of "not enough" and of great "uncertainty" and threat.
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A CLUE TO WHY YOU MAY NOT BE SUFFICIENTLY PROGRESSING
We live in a physical world that requires time and effort to get from one place to another, whether it be in location or in knowledge and ability.
Most people are not progressing sufficiently because they do not spend sufficient time to learn what is needed to a degree to be able to apply it, to get results!
The evidence that one has not done enough work is that there is still a constant background conversation of anxiety and negatives - and still ongoing unsolved problems, often put off until "later" (which, of course never comes).
People actually will engage in this process in a progressive way, but often only in a partial way, and then they will stop way too soon to get results. Often, after the initial few learnings, they "feel" better, so the angst seems to be solved or at least is in a condition of being tamped down for the moment - so they stop at that point.
As a result of stopping too soon, they never really get to the point of being able to and to actually use the cures that will magnificently free themselves up from the repeated, ongoing anxieties and problems. (They'll often go into a mode of "not having enough time" because their lives are filling up with activities that are of value - and they end up not inserting and insuring that they do the most valuable activity of all, the one that will determines how the rest of life will go over time and how good one's life will be. They need, instead, to realize that it is wise to limit the activities of "some" value enough to insert that which is of far more value!!!!!!!)
