ANXIOUS TO PLEASE
LETTING THE LIFE BE SUCKED OUT OF YOU
tba, to be completed, rough beginning draft, but some usability.
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TRADE-OFFS AND BENEFITS
There are tradeoffs in this, as in any area. There are benefits and there are costs. The objective is to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs such that we get the maximum benefit from our time. (Duh! Of course!)
Pleasing other people is neither "good nor bad". The key question is does it work the best for one's overall life. The key question is never about good/bad, but always about workability. (And, of course, we must acknowledge and be grateful for the good that pleasing others has brought to ourselves and others. It is just a matter of getting to a place of better balance, where you will increase the net good to a much higher level in life!)
WE MADE A DECISION
Early on, the people pleaser learned that pleasing people was a strategy that worked to get approval and survivability. Of course, the earlier decision was most often made fairly early in life, before the person had sufficient knowledge from which to design a good strategy and insufficient ability to reason in order to make a good decision.
The problem for most people is that this actually is not a workable strategy in general, but people have left it unexamined and still intact - and in so doing allow the damage to continue...
IT IS BASED ON...
It is a kissing cousin of "I'm not worthy", unless someone else says so, which is based on "I'm not good enough".
The behavior around this is often guilt and shame, where we have mistaken beliefs about the harm it will do us if we don't "do what is right" in order to please others and get their "so much needed" approval. To handle these (which is absolutely needed if you are to escape from the pleasing trap) you must understand the underlying reasons why these do not serve you and why they make no sense in the first place.
(See and explore the articles in Fault, Blame, Right/Wrong, Good/Bad, Criticism, Anger, Resentment, Punishement Syndrome Master Directory With Links - All those are based on essentially the same false beliefs! Read, to start, at least the overview/perspective pieces. I'd recommend you drill all the way down to understanding how things work in the mind - which is not really so complex at all, as it relies on a few simple mechanics. Try whatever level you want to go to, perhaps starting with the 4 1/2 page How The Mind Works - Essential Knowledge!!!) )
COMPLEXITY AND AN ADDICTION
The related beliefs system is relatively complex, filled with other false beliefs that have emotional charge. As with any "complex" belief, we must look at and alter the supporting beliefs that are not workable.
The behavior has an addictive reward, you'll keep on doing it as long as you believe it will work for you: "this will assure me of survival"
Of course, as with all addictions, they are the easy way out in the short term - and they fail to consider the long term costs. As with any decision to change (see the process), you must clarify the benefits short term and long term and the costs short term and long term and then "weigh" them to decide what you will do. And then, of course, you set up the "procedure and rules" you will follow. (Go ahead and do at least the list asap.)
One of the problems is that people pleasing (saying yes to them to please them at a cost of not pleasing yourself) is confused with the value of contributing to others. The fact is that you will produce more net contribution in total by NOT operating as a people pleaser, and by choosing "what is of the greatest benefit" and then using your resources to build yourself up (so you can contribute more), to give valuable benefits to yourself, and to focus on what contributes the most to "out there".
Exacerbating the confusion is that we attach blame, shame and guilt to it - which gives us a "should" that acts as an imperative, based on such bullbleep as "I should do as others ask or..." or "I must do as other ask, to please them and get approval and be 'ok'".
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HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE AND WHAT DO I DO?
How long will it take to change this behavior?
The initial push, to get the rocket off the launch pad, would probably be around 20 hours, though those people who wish to prepare an even greater base will follow some of the links in order to read them to gain a better understanding of how things work in the mind and in life (and that will benefit many areas of life!). You cannot get off the launch pad if you do not get to "sufficient knowing" where you understand the processes that are involved, how they work, and how to work them. You also, since you tend not to take care of your own self as a priority, must list down what you could better do that will benefit you. See the articles around taking care of yourself, such as Giving To Yourself What Is Needed - Giving Up False Control And False Dependence or Boundaries (enter the term in the search engine to link to it).
After the initial push, you'll need to "keep this in your awareness" and "correct course when you are off course". The only reliable way to do that is to make entries into your journal every day for at least 30 days. (Similar to The Improvement Journal.) You simply observe what happened during the day, what produced the right results and what produced the undesirable results/effects for you, and then decide what you should have done differently. What you should have done differently is not just say "no" but also, for most people, decide on a way to say it that is gentle, kind, and considerate without having to explain that you have better things to do that will benefit you more.
AND, THEN, TO GO DEEPER, AND FURTHER "UP" IN LIFE...
Do the program necessary to remove what keeps it in place:
And look at and use the pieces at the very foundation of all that holds such beliefs and ways of operating in place:
Read the overview/path piece and then select from the other pieces in:
Yes, it will take some time. But the investment will pay off magnificently (and benefits will begin to be reaped very early in the process). Note that following sequence and/or reading something pulled together on one subject will be far more productive than the normal reading (and focus) here and there. (See Smart, Directed, Effective Proactive Learning.)
