Know what it is and what it isn't.

Test yourself on your love of the other and how you are actually affecting the other!


Love:  A strong or passionate affection for a person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a friend, parent, child, etc.

Affection: A settled good will or zealous attachment.

Good will and personal attachment seem to be what love is.

It is not the same as the feeling that is idealized.  It is not infatuation, for infatuation is just infatuation,  foolishness and silliness that is unreasoned.  [Definitions:  Infatuate:  To affect with folly; make fatuous; to inspire or possess with a foolish or unreasoning passion, as of love.  Infatuated:  Made foolish by love; blindly in love.  Fatuous: Foolish, esp. in an unconscious, complacent manner; silly; unreal; illusory.]

It is not to feel a need, as in “I need you,” for that is merely neediness.

To have love in actuality, it takes first a strong good will that is settled and based upon some form of admiration and/or liking (regarding with favor).  Then it takes a decision and then a commitment (if we are to have anything that is solid) to whatever is good for the one I love.

If I am to do that, then I would simply ask "What will serve that purpose?" (and how will it be shown in action, since if nothing shows up in action there is no evidence of any actuality in existence). 


What can I do that is good for the one I love?

Kindness to and consideration for what makes the loved one feel good and have good.
Supportiveness in the form of something good for the loved one, including encouraging the loved one to do what is right and good for him/herself.

Everything that is the opposite is not love

Abuse, spewing anger all over the other, punishing, blaming, resenting, etc. are definitely not manifestations or causes of love.

The fostering of closeness, connection, and feeling appreciated are part of the supportiveness.

We do not build walls of self-protection along the idea of “good fences make good neighbors”.  Instead, we do the opposite, exposing ourselves regardless of our fears, never using fear as a justification or excuse.  Fear is not love.  Instead you are either acting out of fear or love, but not both at the same time.

The sharing of our deepest feelings and thoughts is love.  The withholding is the opposite of love. Complete honesty and openness is love.

We shine light onto the other person in terms of supporting good things said about them or done by them, showing appreciation and letting them know you believe them to be worthy human beings.  Anything that doesn’t do that is not love.


Pain.  When we are in pain we are self-absorbed and not able to express ourselves fully. Since we can control our “suffering” (roughly defined as thinking that perpetuates pain or creates artificial pain), it is our obligation to learn whatever is needed to control our own suffering.

However, regardless of the pain, it is never justified to do anything harmful to the partner. You simply must commit to a standard of doing nothing harmful, period, now and forever.  You can never use the justification that “other couples” or “normal people” have those very human problems – mediocrity is no standard to have.  And justification is no way to live.  We simply must do our best and be committed to that absolute standard. 


The only way it can actually be measured is by something showing up in reality, which would, of course, require some action to make that happen. 

So, love is measured by the number of positive actions times their impact on the other (minus the number of negative actions times their impact on the other). 


The scorecard for love:  Which have you done in the last week/month/year?


__ Assure he/she is given a net benefit
__ Accepting                 
__ Cooperating
__ Playing win-win               
__ Giving empathy              
__ Giving validation       
__ Displays of affection – physically  
   from a smile to pleasuring the other     
__ Listened to the other         
__ Encouraged, praised other       
__ Gentle, kind                     
__ Honors agreements with the other  
__ Acknowledges good in the other
__ Deeply shares feelings, thoughts

__ Giving a symbol of love that is
    meaningful to the one you love
__ Taking a 100% responsibility for   
    your own emotions

Count the negatives and double the score, for it has a multiple subtracting effect from the good in the relationship.  Subtract the negative from the positive.

If you don’t score well on the above, you are in the relationship to have your needs filled.

If you didn't answer the very first item on the positive side, based on the truth and on actual honest feedback from your spouse, you have flunked the test and should do all that is necessary to repair and recover the benefit for your spouse (not just for your own selfish interests, convenience and conflicting "needs").


__ Inflicting net negative on the spouse
__ Blamed, resented
__ Resisted, became angry,                               not doing what is cooperative
__ Engage in win-lose
__ Being negative
__ Invalidating
__ Neutral, or unfriendly, withdrawing,
__ Ignored, not really listened
__ No encouragement
__ Unkind
__ Wiggles out of them
__ Stays silent or diminishes the other
__ Dumping garbage of emotions on the

__ Blaming the other