HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
WHERE DO I END AND YOU BEGIN?
THE DILEMMA AND THE WAY OUT OF IT
Our culture gives us conflicting and often incorrect information about how things actually work and how to work them. So, we don't know where to draw our boundaries and when we can risk disapproval or some theoretical loss. We do not know what the tradeoffs are, so we can't appropriately weigh them - but we cannot do well, unless we learn these AND implement them effectively.
Please do not stop short of a diligent learning to the point where you are effective in this super high value area!
And then lay out and define your boundaries so that you can be clear about what to do and when. (This is a confusing, emotionally conflicting area, so you might need to work with an outside, objective, knowledgeable person.)
BOUNDARIES: SIMPLY BE CLEAR, THEN CHOOSE:
Some people get confused about where one person ends and another begins. Clearly we each are responsible for our own individual emotions; another person trying to protect us from those may in fact disable us; and it is possible to cross over the boundary and do some good, but we must be able to distinguish when that is the case. There are some who say one must never cross over the boundary; but that is a rule; and there may be a higher value that overrules it, such as creating a greater good. One must recognize the harm that could be created if one ends up taking away the other’s responsibility muscle and creating dependency (a dysfunctionality bordering on illness).
There is a difference between lovingly setting a boundary for health and setting a harsh line with a stay away sign (do not trespass). There are some people who have learned about boundaries who use them as defenses rather than as tools to create good or stop harm. For instance, a person who feels his freedom is threatened may set a boundary of not having another enter his emotional space because he may have to give up too much of himself, not realizing that nobody else can take away one’s freedom – one can only give it away voluntarily.
Setting a boundary: I need to have this many hours to do some things (for myself, my job, or whatever)
Setting a harsh line: Don’t you step over that line into my territory!
One is requesting or stating what is wanted and needed and trusting the other to honor that; the other is non-trusting and perhaps blaming.
Boundaries are set to serve a high ethical purpose: to produce the greatest total good for all involved. One must set them for physical and mental health, time to do what is most important, for wealth preservation and creation, for emotional needs being met, etc.
But can one allow for an originally set boundary to be changed to fit circumstances?
AND THEN THERE IS THE NEW LOVE RELATIONSHIP...
Yes, of course.
The classic example is when one enters a new love relationship.
Time is taken from other things, but it is best taken by making a cognitive, aware choice: “I choose to spend x time in this relationship because I realize that it is needed and that I may have to trade off less important things. My health is an absolute, so I set a boundary for myself [the other person is not at cause over my boundaries, since I am an adult able to act on my own] that I will work out at least 30 minutes [temporarily, although it was 45 minutes] four times a week so that I will be stronger and healthier. My emotional health is vital, so I set a boundary for myself of taking 30 minutes 4 times weekly for meditation, prayers, affirmations, and introspection. I will spend less time on house related activities and optional activities because I get more value out of the relationship, both now and for the potential in the long term. If the other person wants more time and I can’t give it, I tell the other person that I value the relationship but I need to do these other things [I don’t use it as a harsh do not trespass sign since I know it is I who have the choice over what I do and that the other person has no power over me, however, I may still choose, if it threatens the relationship, to reconsider and rework the boundaries based on this new information; I am never stuck on a boundary, though there may be some I never choose to change].
CO-DEPENDENCY VERSUS WISE DECISION MAKING
The issue of boundaries has come up primarily in the co-dependency area. Here, the co-dependent person has “enabled” another to be weak, covering for him or her or filling in for him or her on the other’s responsibilities. The co-dependent has stepped over the boundary into the other’s separate space and taken away the opportunity for the other to build strength AND/OR the co-dependent has done harm to his/herself by not filling his/her own needs.
Any person must choose to fulfill one’s own responsibility to oneself so that he/she is living at his/her best in terms of overall total value. If there is value in assisting another and there is not offsetting negative values that are greater, then one can cross over what might be considered a boundary, giving up the “letter of the law” for the “spirit of the law” (do good). (Read How Do I Separate Supporting The Kids From Rescuing Them - I Want Them To Know I Accept Them As They Are.... This applies to any relationship, by extension.)
An example of a decision
For instance, a son came home for two weeks and was to go off and get a job immediately. The counselor said to kick him out, and he would fly and grow strong. But it was determined that there was value for the mother in having the son around for awhile, reestablishing a connection and enjoying his company. Also, there was value in his being exposed to better values and learning something that might help him. Also, he needed to save money to go live in another country. So his “flying” would be postponed for nine months, but it would happen, so little was lost there, and much was gained. Yes, one had to be careful not to cross over the line and cause harm, but this was clearly a good decision.
