MY PERSONAL LIFE OF OVERACHIEVEMENT
DRIVEN BY AN ILLUSION
Draft, but you get the idea, I'm sure
LIVING THE ILLUSION
I lived a life of overachievement, living in an illusion I fully believed in - and feared not achieving.
Fortunately this is not the total strory of my life!
I was driven by the contagion of the culture of achievement and the idea that achievement was the way to get "love" (approval) and to be "ok". (Ever heard that one before?)
When asked by my success counselor back many years what my goal for coaching was, I replied "to be perfect". Amazing!
But I think it was actually to avoid having flaws, so that I wouldn't be criticized.
LEARNING FROM MY PARENTS TO...
My Dad was a very successful (but largely broke at the end of his life), heavy drinking, smoking, supersocial, partying, funny, very generous Jack Mormon father. I would be so happy to get $5 per A on my report card, which he would show off to his many friends. He made millions of dollars back when that was alot of money - and then got squeezed in a sudden tight money economic fall - which was not good to have in the construction business! I never really knew how he handled it all emotionally, as he always seemed so confident, like he could do anything - and recover from anything and/or be successful again.
My mother was afraid and anxious, lacking in confidence, probably frustrated by the subordinate role she had to take as a housewife/mother. She had been a super outstanding secretary and could have had a great career. She was very smart but needed alot of approval, having never gotten it from her mother. She always encouraged us to work hard and get good grades and do our best - and to eat our vegetables...
I was a bit of a wimp and very shy and awkward - and studious. I loved math and science and even majored in Physics at Occidental, soon tiring of school and quitting after a year and a half - leaving to explore the world, for a year and a half, before returning to college determined to succeed.
I DID LEARN A LITTLE BIT OF WISDOM OVER TIME
I managed to read and learn some wisdom along the way, thank goodness, but I could have used alot more of it alot earlier in life! (Perhaps that explains why I am doing this site and The Life Management Alliance and The Institute. There is always a purpose that can arise from one's failures or seeing a failure or a catastrophic happening. A case in point: Candy Lightner and Mothers Against Drunk Driving after her daughter's death from a drunken driver. Also common is activism against injustice or to cure a disease that struck someone in the family.)
Anyway, I overdid it, shooting way over the goal I needed to actually reach, despite being a Financial Planner! I built in numbers that permitted me to do alot of marginal (though impressive) and expensive items that I did not really need in terms of what is needed for happiness. I could have easily made a million dollars less and have been more than well off enough.
At The Stanford Graduate School Of Business, I tested out, among my "core group" of 65 to be the second highest achievement driven person. Can you imagine that! Among all those high achievers! (The highest became supersuccessful on a grand scale.)
My older brother helped expose me to self development books in high school. That was a major boon for me. I am so grateful to him for who he has been for me in my life.
THE GREAT OVERWORKING
Doing well is not the same as perfectionism, but it can look like it. I was driven so that I would succeed no matter what. A consultant once used me as an example of what not to do, showing a copy of my to do list - holding it up, and letting the sheets of small typeface, singlespaced cascade down all the way to the floor!!!
I was so driven that it created great anxiety when I thought of all I had to do to meet my limitless goals - sometimes I would crash all weekend, just flipping through the channels to avoid the anxiety of it, finally recovering a bit toward Sunday night. I remember dropping off my drycleaning early in the morning and already feeling exhausted. Little did I fully realize that I could have avoided all of that by adopting some of what I have recently written, with the foundation being following The Pre-Set, Super-Committed Schedule For The Day For An Always Powerful Day! Not Optional!
But I did love working with and seeing my clients - and working to try to get great results and super financial planning results for them. It broke my heart when the huge real estate crash in the '80's happened and harmed so many people (most of whom were adequately diversified, though it did hurt). Being with the clients and loving talking with them and strategizing on their behalf was a major saving grace against the pressure of it all.
Award after award, but little time to enjoy it all, even missing three great free trips to distance locations because I didn't have the time...
This is all familiar sounding, with only slightly different details, to what you've heard about what happens to overachievers - single mindedly focusing on one goal and sacrificing all the others - and their health.
THE GRADUAL REDEMPTION
In retrospect, the redemption was more gradual than I would have hoped, as I perpetuated more of the anxiety and pressure longer than was healthy. But, alas, it took as long as it took - and I could have done no better, in reality. (See Your Path Is Your Only Path Attainable Under The Circumstances - And There Is No Fault In You - the purpose of that piece is obvious by the title, but the reality of the truth that underlies it is a MUST understand basis for all of life. Don't skip over it; connect to the links from there.)
If I had spent concentrated time upfront and decided what to do, specifically, I would have learned how to be twice as productive for my time. That would make alot of time available for free time and for taking care of myself. Not until I took The Strategic Coach coaching program did I actually fully "get" the idea that I didn't have to work harder to make more, as we actually built in working less while making more money. Read the page on the program, free videos, and books: The Strategic Coach.
I did get, from using some coaches as I went, the idea of taking Wednesdays off, to lower the stress and to give myself a breather. Thank goodness I did that. And also I at least took off every Sunday, whereas in the olden days I would do a 7 day achievement drive every week.
One godsend, to whom I will be eternally grateful, was Willagene (Billy) Jansen, who managed me such that I could step back to get some perspective, plan, build a brand, do marketing, grow - and she managed the organization, often repairing the effect of my "driver" style. She was a rare gift and I cannot imagine where I would have been without her. She helped reinforce the basic idea, which actually should be applied to life also, that it is more productive to work "on the business" rather than to work "in the business". It was a good 10+ years. She did all of that and she still lived a very well balanced life. She was great with people and her family.
AND ULTIMATELY...
My exposure to all the great concepts and principles in business, which all apply to life, plus the intense exposure to the concepts and principles in life, have left me with an ability I think to use all of these in an integrated fashion to synthesize what will work for people. (We'll see.)
I was able to retire early and that gave me the opportunity to start and live into my mission to serve others in having better lives for themselves. (You've heard this before!)
My "guru", who administered the personality test called the enneagram for me (it may sound weird but it is ingenious and very sound), said that I had learned enough to pass on up the ladder that Achievers came up, from being excessively driven to being ultimately mentors and contributors to others.
So, ultimately, it all ended well.
And we'll see what I can produce for the future!
