I MUST BE A GOOD CHILD IN ORDER TO SURVIVE
SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR LIVING ON THE ROAD TO HELL, NOT HEAVEN
I do not know of a single "I must be a good child or else..." believer who is happy. Such a belief can only lead to "being short of", which creates the ultimate but permanent Unhappiness Gap. If this is you or if you are simply "tainted" with it, you absolutely must relearn what is actually true and change this false, residual, out of date, harmful belief!
Don't be the donkey in the donkey and the carrot story! (That's the one where the carrot is hung from a stick in front of the donkey's head but out of reach, theoretically motivating him to keep going forward. Now, is that an "unsmart" motivational technique or is it simply not smart...).
Consider the possibility that these things that cause you unhappiness are simply not based on truth(!!!!!): guilt, shoulds, shame, self-criticism, fault, fears of making mistakes, of not being loved, of financial insecurity, sinfulness, if anyone doesn't like me then that means.... These all come as part of the overall package in the "I must be a good child" belief.
You are not centered in your own power, as the power over you is "out there" - and that is the key killer of confidence. You are controlled from "out there" (an external locus of control), for you must win approval, you must do all that is asked, you must do what God wants you to do... When you cure from this syndrome, you will have an "internal locus of control", a sense of control over your life that is empowering and feels incredibly great compared to the old tiny box you lived in.
We must stop and think about what this is all about - and hold the possibility that the base belief about yourself is not true and that the belief about how it affects your survival is also not true. They both are not true!!!!
It is in the first place about an attempt to securely assure that we will survive, with no real defined limit to what that means. If there is no limit, how can we reach it???
This is why I ask that people go through the questioning and the answering of How Much Is Enough?
As an adult I am assured of having the capability, even if I am not loved or considered worthy, to survive just fine.
Admittedly, some people would say that is a crazy statement, as, they reason, surely we will not be happy if others don't stamp us as "worthy" and respect us. Yes, that belief would definitely cause someone to be unhappy, but it is not a true belief (that we would necessarily have to have such approval) If you were enlightened (disenheavy-ed) you would not feel attached to it, as you would know that you could survive just fine without that, as long as you didn't extremely alienate everybody on the planet - and surely you can manage that!
The gap, falling short of, being miserable about it, overusing guilt...punishment...get in line.... i must survive...
This is an "umbrella" concept. It includes holding oneself to unrealistic expectations and/or standards. It includes the punishment and control systems we set up in order to comply. This include the mandatory imperative to conform to what others expect, in some community or family or
it becomes a truth, when it is absurd and very unrealistic... of course,not go to the other extreme of no standards which causes a worse life, but to a good standard that helps produce a better life.
One unfunny thing about this syndrome is that the viewpoint holds one in the role of being a child, being dependent on others, which means they are less independent and do not provide their own self-nurturance and self assurance - they don't learn those skills/habits because it is "obvious that those come only from others".
If I know (have learned) that I can handle life just fine even if I am not loved then I don't "need" to be loved for that reason. But if I were at that level, I would also know that I can do what it takes to be loved, but as a bonus, not as a means of avoiding insecurity.
Setting limits, no longer living a life where everything comes in and there is no control. For instance, a retired person who is very committed to being selfless and service might set a limit of 20 hours a week (and keep track of the time and say no to anything above that or resign from one to make room for the other) - and declare
