SOLVING THE PROBLEMS CAUSED BY GUILT
NEVER LEAVING IT UNQUESTIONED AND/OR UNRESOLVED
"I have such a problem with being run by feelings of guilt. They drive me to have to do things that are unpleasant and/or to have to escape the stress of having them. I feel so bad alot of the time."
This is the conversation of a certain individual. It is good that he is aware of this, but it is too simplistic of an "analysis" to be of any benefit. And it seems that he is assuming that Guilt is a fixed entity, a real thing that truly exists "out there" (though affecting his insides). (It seems that we "make up" inanimate things and give them certain qualities that are not real or true. Read how and why we make up such things, in: The Believing Brain piece on this site and possibly read the book also.)
Essentially, he is playing the role of being a victim of it. His locus of control is from this external thing.
The problem is that he persists in living his life in the guilt problem, as if there is nothing he can do about it.
Well, there is plenty one can do about it, just as with any problem.
We look at the causal sequence and examine each part to see if there is, indeed, something we can alter in the sequence.
A. Basic belief: Guilt is a real thing, a necessary thing, something that just happens to us when we do bad or don't do enough. (Often people falsely assume it is a necessary thing from God.)
B. A thought occurs that he did something wrong or bad or not enough
D. He has a bad feeling.
E. He thinks "There is something wrong."
F. He feels even more miserable
H. He suffers more and it becomes a part of the "background noise" in his life and thoughts.
I. He keeps using it and suffering even more.
Yes, I notice that C was left out of this sequence, as probably a step he would miss if he were to analyze the sequence, though he'd probably not define A sufficiently and maybe leave out B also - not having it as the "true cause" of the feeling.
C is his reaffirmation of the belief that he "should" feel guilt and that it is automatic and inevitable. He does not even have a step in there, where, assuming his belief is valid, he questions whether he in fact should feel guilt and perhaps that what he did was not "bad" or "not enough". He is also not aware of the idea that guilt is a form that we have learned to punish ourselves for being out of line with what is good. He has only a very surface understanding of guilt.
He identifies guilt as something oneself feels and "shame" as what other people do to him. However, he seems to fail to realize that he is the one who has created the feeling of shame and who has allowed his imagined shaming from other people (or maybe even a parent, from the past).
He needs, in order to solve or lessen the problem, to learn what guilt and shame really are, how they work and then how to work them. He currently does nothing other than use it as an explanation of why he feels bad, with no inclination to go deeper (perhaps he believes that it is too painful for him to be able to bear dealing with it). (He will continue to act as the victim of believing that he is not the creator of his life and thinking that he is controlled by externals (circumstances and people) - one cannot possibly be happy if one has an "external locus of control." See A Sense Of Control - The Great Loss That Creates Depression And Low Self-Esteem.)
But go deeper, he must - if he is to solve the problem once and for all.
Then, he must attempt to draw out (or list) a sequence of causes and effects that is true for him and his thinking sequence (his entire internal conversation). Since he might miss some, he might ask for help in identifying what he might miss (after he has written out his version of the sequence).
Then, he should attempt to question each of these with the Byron Katie truth questions: "Is that the Truth? Is it the absolutely indisputable Truth?"
If they are not absolutely indisputable, then he must ask what else could be true - and learn what he needs to know to better determine what could be true.
