"I AM INSULTED, OFFENDED"
WHY YOU NEED NOT BE
A "posturing" to accomplish...to attack the behavior and the person thinking badly of us...or get rid of them, the threat...
IT'S IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
Another person can treat a person with disrespect or scornful abuse (the definition of insult) and some people will be insulted, while others won't be.
So that means that the insulted person created the state of feeling insulted, while the other did not do so. The originator and cause of the problem, therefore, is the creator of the problem. The insulted person him/herself is the source, not the event.
It turns out that some people are more "insultible" or offendable. They are sensitive to disapproval and are quick to defend themselves.
What, you say, defend themselves?
Yep, they feel like they have been attacked, lowered in the estimate of themselves relative to others in society or a group. And that is threatening in the primitive world of 10,000 years ago - and that is how we are still wired.
But, in truth, in almost all cases, the only damage exists in one's head and nowhere in the real world. It is strictly made up in the mind, and just a thought (a "mental construct").
THE DEFINITION
To insult is to do or say something that is offensive to (someone) : to do or say something that shows a lack of respect for (someone); to treat with insolence, indignity, or contempt.
It is, of course, the opposite of what a person who needs approval or is sensitive to rejection wants.
But the event, in itself, if all "right-wrong" thinking is seen for it's falseness, is neutral in the real world, unless we add meaning to it ourselves.
DO YOU AGREE WITH IT?
Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". No one can insult you without your agreeing to get sucked into it.
If someone said "You're green", would you be offended?
It's not personal. it can't do anything to you..
REALIZATION OF WHAT THE GAME IS AND THE SOURCE OF THE PAIN
"What I realized was that the pain caused by insults is really just a symptom of a far more serious ailment: our participation in the social hierarchy game. We are people who need to be among people. The problem is that once we are among them, we feel compelled to sort ourselves into social hierarchies. If we were wolves, we’d fight to establish the social order of the pack. But since we are humans with outsized brains and language, we use words instead.
..."We are wired so that it feels bad to lose social status and feels good to gain it."
"Withdrawing from the social hierarchy game, I should add, can also beneficially transform our relationships. Instead of spending conversations trying to convince people how wonderful we are, we will start listening, really listening, to what they tell us. They will likely take notice."
Source: William B. Irvine, cited in sidebar.
There was a man who constantly harassed and insulted the Buddha, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse at him. But the Buddha never seemed fazed by this. When someone asked why he didn’t take offense, he simply replied…
If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?
He exercised his freedom to choose his reaction to what was happening to him. As Victor Frankl himself put it:
Between stimulus and response lies man’s greatest power: the power to choose.
It’s easy to blame others for our misgivings.
— It’s his fault this happened!
— If only my boss wasn’t such a condescending bitch!
— I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids!
Sometimes we find ourselves taken aback by insults because there’s some truth to them, because they poke at our insecurities. Like if you’re losing your hair and someone makes a bald joke at your expense. In such a scenario, realize that your reaction says more about you than it does about the severity of the insult. If you have a solid foundation of self-assurance and are comfortable with your appearance, you won’t take offense.
"Only the insecure feel offended, abused, or insulted. We do so because we have been taught that we are vulnerable. This belief in one's vulnerability does not reflect fact. It reflects belief. Change the belief and the reflection will change. I know. I've done it and seen it."
CHALLENGE THE THINKING
You have to challenge the thinking behind the emotion of 'being insulted'. No-one can insult you if you choose to see what they say in a different way. Equally you can be insulted by every little thing that does not conform exactly to your world view. Basically to be or not to be insulted is up to you!
Insult is a learned behavio
Don Miguel Ruiz, author of the classic book The Four Agreements.
The second agreement is simply this: Don’t take anything personally.
He explains:
Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally … Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds … Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up …
But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.
I think my partner is insulting me or implying that there is something wrong with me when he/she asks me to do something to improve our relationship.
For a couple to communicate they both need to learn certain things. If either one rebuffs the learning by being insulted or just by not wanting to put forth the effort to do it, then no progress is made.
Since we, as humans, naturally want to go away from pain, we spend alot of our lives avoiding it - but what we seek relief from is actually not something that is real, but something we made up from the point of view of dependency and some level of powerlessness, as a belief. (At this point, many people will protest: "I am fully grown up, not some dependent child. You're insulting me." No, I am not judging you nor insulting you, I am just pointing out a reason why you're not getting what you want in life and not being in full power at times.)
Your partner will be giving you this explanation in the spirit of creating something positive for the relationship. You can take it negatively, as a criticism or insult, or you can take it positively as a request for something good. If you take it as the first, it is suggested you seek counseling, as there must be some impairment of judgment and/or openness or some assumptions or projections that are inappropriate.
A negative remark is anything that will “have the effect of diminishing” a person’s spirit.
When a person puts out a negative remark without the intent of creating something more positive, the intent and/or the impact is destructive. It is never justified.
If you have healthy beliefs, you'll not generate unhealthy emotions and the false fears that underlie them. You can be insulted, you can fail, you can look stupid, you can be rejected - and you can have no ill effects of those...at all!
"OPERATING AS A VICTIM HAS A HUGE COST
("But I'm not a victim. Don't insult me!" This is what most people say, yet they do get into seeking approval, hoping someone else will come through for them, and other victim behaviors. "Being a victim" is a temporary condition, which is chosen too often. It is not a permanent condition, as one can choose something else.) " From "The Great Motivator: Believed Payoffs - But At What Costs?".
It is true that a person in low awareness might resist anybody calling it like it is – it could be construed as an insult, a judgment rather than an assertion of possible fact – what happens depends on how sensitive the inner core of that person is to inner childhood hurts. When a so-called “strong” person reacts emotionally and with great hurt, he/she typically does not realize why and often will strongly deny it, because it is so threatening.
