DEPENDENCY AND ANGER, RESENTMENT
VERSUS CHOOSING "PROACTIVITY" AS A WAY OF LIFE
THE QUESTION:
Thank you for your reply. I realize my question needed more detailed information.
I do feel a lot of anger and resentment towards people around me for not being able to address and fulfill my needs, such as the right to opinion and making decisions and understanding my feelings or being interdependent?
From "F"
AN ANSWER
Yes, any detail you can provide so that I have a "context" (a background of details and a perspective on what is going on) would be helpful. (Age, weight-height, health, country, situation, thoughts, life so far, etc.)
INTERVENING NEW KNOWLEDGE
HOW WE LEARNED DEPENDENCY
As a child, and a bit from the culture, we "learn" (mostly passively, without much thought) to be dependent. Certainly as a child we are fairly helpless and therefore we are actually dependent. The "fairly helpless" translates into an ongoing belief of "I am powerless" - which is not at all true later in life, unless we choose to not use the powerwe have.
As a child, we learn that certain things seem to work (though our conclusions are often not correct). We use the only tools we have the ability to exercise or that we know about - manipulation (which includes anger and its milder form of resentment). We "expect" people to feed us and do our bidding, but as we go into adulthood we learn that people no longer think of us as children and that they expect us to be able to "grow up" and to take care of ourselves - as they no longer have the "obligation" to raise a child, as that obligation has been fulfilled: to get you to a point where you can survive on your own...not to take care of you for life. (Read and understand The Child Persona - We Hold Onto This As If It Were Useful, But It Isn't! Link from that piece to a word document in the sidebar: Live Through The Tools And Decisions Of A Child? )
YOU ARE "THE ONE" TO DO THIS
It is you who is the one to "address and fulfill my needs." But, after the obligation to you as a child iS fulfilled, the people we have depended on refocus on their own struggles and challenges and life - and on themselves - and not you (except for what you can give them in terms of good feelings)! [You are now expected, as an adult, to deliver value to others - and others who do not understand true psychology are greatly in need of certain psychological balms and good feelings from you!!!! What you will get from them is a very small percentage of what will fill your needs - what you get from others is only a bonus in life - for it is you who is the one who is responsible for providing all you need. Of course, you will use interdependence for that, as a tool, but you can't count on dependence to provide what you need. ]
Your only choice in life is to take care of yourself - otherwise you will waste your life in efforts to try to "get others" to do what you want. That is not a moral issue, but just a truism.
YOU MUST "BUILD"
I suggest, instead, that you build your own foundation, instead of leaning on others so much - as building your own self-sufficiency is your only viable strategy - and that will take some "rebuilding", as your old structures must be torn down and builT more solidly.
YOUR "RIGHTS"
Yes, there are certain things that work in society and relationships. By "work" I mean they produce greater results for the many and for individuals. Cooperation is an example. Respect for others' property. And many others, mostly based on "what works". (Read, know, and understand Good/Bad, Right/Wrong Vs. Workable - What Is True?. All that matters is "what works" to provide a certain benefit.)
As humans we evolved into trying to control others in order to make our world safer. We invented "god-given" rights. We invented rules that would hopefully work for us all.
But no such things exist in the natural universe - they exist only because we made them up - and then we often, in order to control others, imposed "the rules" on others. Often we violated the very rights we advocated, using force, via religions (mankind's misapplication thereof) and governments and peer groups and cultures, even using war to be "right" about what we believe (and made up!). (You should know this: Reality Versus The Made Up World - Notes On What Reality Actually Is.)
There are no actual "rights" in actual existence in the actual physical world, though the concept and what we made up are often useful.
But waiting for others to give you the right to express yourself and your own opinions and/or make your own decisions is a strategy that will not serve you well.
Others are mostly thinking about themselves (just as you do!) and they do not have the capacity as a human to take care of others' needs and to "give them their rights".
People have enough to do to manage themselves - and because they often do not learn how to do that, they are constantly plagued with their own problems, discomforts, and concerns - and taking care of another's needs is not something they can or "should" do - it might "be nice" for them to choose to help another, but they are busy with their own lives and survival needs.
It is up to you to "build" your capabilities such that you speak with power (and not wimpily wait for others to give you the power to speak and be heard) and build the power to make good decisions and to effectively assert them in a way that works in this world and with the other people in the world. (Watch Tony Robbins speak - Program For Learning Life From Tony Robbins.)
You have no "god-given rights" in the real world (nature). You simply either do that which is effective or you don't. If you don't do what is effective and you get an undesired result, then you simply note the effect and go about learning what it takes to get a better effect (such as is the purpose of The Site). You choose to Live Life As A Life Champion, instead of waiting for "out there" to adjust to your needs and to take care of you in lieu of you taking care of yourself.
BASED ON WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED, YOU MIGHT NOT FOLLOW THROUGH ON WHAT IS NEEDED
You've learned that being dependent is a way that you believe works. You will probably be upset to find out otherwise, as you'll be left with nothing and no familiar strategies that work. That will evoke fear - but know that what you learn from this site and its recommendations will soon lessen your fears and eventually reduce them to only a few small fears (that are necessary for attention to actual survival needs).
One of the strategies related to dependency is to be passive, waiting for the world to come to you and handle your problems or to give you permission to do something (such as express your opinion, make your own decisions). Being passive means that you do not go into action. It means that you wait for the solutions to come to you - and you don't do the reading and follow up needed to learn new ways.
As a proactive person, you'll not only do the assignments but you'll create your own. You'll look at the Learning/Implementation Programs and select what to work on next. You'll schedule a daily time where you are committed to learning and making your life all that it can be.
Will you choose this...or do you choose to let things go on as they have been going?
It is in your power to choose - and, as in all learning, you will experience some confusion and even frustration, but eventually you will "learn" the new way and experience the benefits of the new way.
Please let me know what your commitment is and which time of the day or week you will be working on "building" that life that will make you happy. Do you have another person who will help or with whom you can't partner with (but not get into reinforcement of each other's wrong beliefs!)?
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One cannot turn over the responsibility for his/her life to another and expect that the other will care for that life even a small fraction of what you will - or do even a small fraction of what you are motivated to do, as the only person living in the skin of yourself...
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And old "joke", though it actually suggests a way of living, is:
"I practice the Catholic religion, in a way.
I never ask permission first, but only beg forgiveness..."
(In other words, those who wait for permission, as docile individuals, never get anywhere, but those who go ahead and do what they think is best end up owning the world and the good effects of their actions in the world.)
