A LIMITED QUIVER OF TACTICS FOR EMOTIONS
OFTEN MISUSED, TO OUR DETRIMENT!
We often do not know what to do with an emotion, so we pull out whatever tool or arrow we have to shoot at it. We feel lonely, so we eat ice cream. Someone disagrees with us, and we get angry as if our belief was one of our arms being severed from ourselves. We adopt a response and insist on perpetuating it, failing to notice that it doesn't work to our advantage!
It would behoove us to learn and use even better tools to deal with life and people - and to learn to stop using many tactics that are totally ineffective and/or harmful!
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THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE RIGHT JOB AND THE RIGHT RESULT
A hammer sees everything as a nail.
But it is not an appropriate tool for other things.
Our goal in life is to achieve maximum well-being, so all tools and tactics should be used toward that objective. And they should be used effectively, carefully designed for maximum positive impact.
People often get confused. Someone "wrongs" them or someone else and they feel "compelled" to seek revenge, in the same simplistic way that that served the caveman when it could have a bigger effect on survival. But in today's world, it is nonsensical.
But, some might say, it is soooo satisfying...
Is it, or is it actually empty and ineffective. Surely, we don't feel good about harming another.
REVENGE, PUNISHMENT, ANGER ALL PRETTY MUCH SUCK
Using punishment as a way to get someone to do something is almost always a loser and an inappropriate tool.
Revenge is "punishment". We even think of it as "getting even". Well, how do we actually get more out of our lives and a better more solid sense of well-being out of harming another person? Is this "socially sanctioned" aggression something that truly serves us? (See The Law Of Retribution - Total Bullbleep!)
Nope. We should not just pull these tactical arrows out of our quiver and shoot them at people as targets.
The criteria for all we do should be "will this contribute solidly to my well-being?"
You get "angry" (mad) with your spouse when there is a disagreement, as if he/she were an actual threat where you had to fully initiate the fight/flight response in order to defend ourselves against physical harm. But...it was just an agreement...
I don't think a sledgehammer is appropriate here, nor even is a hammer. It does no good to hurt the other and there is truly nothing to defend against (people have to get it straight that a belief they have is not an actual part of the true "I", and, when they do, they see that defending is totally the wrong tool, especially when there is no need for any tool! See Who I Really Am.
And some people even work themselves up to greater and greater heights of anger, as if they had to build up their strength to defend against a super-threat to their survival - and that almost always ends up being harmful to both sides of the conflict that is certainly much less, ordinarily, than a survival issue! One tactic of course is to use our "good sense" and perhaps engage our higher brains by asking "what is the right, most effective thing to do here for my benefit?"
Anger, in today's world, is virtually never appropriate. I recommend that you stop using that as if it is a useful tool - 'cause it certainly is not what causes good results!
A TOOL TO "MOTIVATE"?
We "do" anger or resentment or criticism to "motivate" others to do what we want, but it is mostly not appropriately effective. We have learned, erroneously I might add, to inflict pain on another to get a result from a childish belief. Not knowing what else to do in relationships, we use this tool to great damage in relationships. What do you get out of resenting another person? Smiles, good stuff, good feelings, or just crappy feelings and a worse relationship? (See Blame, Criticism, Resentment...All The Same Source, All The Same Solution.)
THINGS "SHOULD" BE AS WE WISH THEM TO BE!
If something doesn't go as we wish, we get frustrated, as if that would be of help. Most of what we get frustrated about should just be accepted as reality. Thinking reality should be different than it is makes no sense - it certainly will not be effective in changing reality!
Yes, it is normal and automatic to feel frustrated when you don't get your way. (It is an automatic response of the dumb primitive brain.) But that is not the issue. The issue is whether it is a useful tool (and of course whether it is mandatory for our primitive brain to cough it up). Frustration is useful as a signal (as are many emotions), but once you get the signal, you can make a more useful choice. "This is just reality. And reality is just reality. Now what do I need to do to get what I want. I am in charge here, not frustration."
As with many of the emotional signals, we should take them as signals to consider action about and then say "what can I do that will cause what I want?"
And we can "consciously" pick from our full quiver of arrows what will work the best for our well-being and stop doing "the default" strategy that is used by the primitive brain.
THE TOOLS FOR THE QUIVER
The standard set of tools issued to us from our culture and often our caregivers:
Anger
Temper tantrums, frustration, having fits
Getting even
Using punishment as a motivator
Trying to resent the other person into doing something
Distraction in a harmful way as an escape
The tools to add (which often have to be devised by ourselves and then learned on purpose):
The Pause (for instance, even counting to 10 is helpful) - This also is useful for engaging the higher brain and/or calming the primitive fear response impulses.
Movement, such as exercise or positive chemical inducing movements (Tony Robbins "Yes!" priming move)
Positive distractions - Good entertainment, reading a book, looking at nature, dancing around the room or on the ceiling...
Do whatever is the opposite of the undesired tool (smile instead of grimace, give a caring touch, reach out to someone, agree with them or see their viewpoint...)
Letting the emotion simply dissipate (emotions only last up to 90 seconds if not "re-upped" by new thoughts)
Obviously, to add these tools into your repertoire will take some time, as does all learning and all creating of new behaviors. However, you'll learn these and make them more natural as a byproduct of your other learning on this site (such as reading The Base Course For Improving Life For True Happiness or the other sequential reading lists on the site).
