TOSS OUT ALL THE DEPENDENCY-BASED BELIEFS
THEY NO LONGER APPLY
IF IT DON'T WORK NO HOW, STOP DOING IT!
If something no longer applies, if something no longer works to get the desired results, what would a sane person do with that "something"? If that something caused oneself harm, what would a sane person do with that "something"?
Of course, they'd stop doing that "something".
SANITY - TRY IT - IT WORKS!
But we're only "sane" to the point that we use our higher brain for effective thinking. Leaving the old "somethings" in place in the brain will simply cause the primitive brain to use those - as the primitive brain is neither sane nor insane, but it will repeat whatever you put in, even if what you put in is insane (unsound, unworkable).
WHAT WORKED BEFORE, MAY NOT WORK WHEN THINGS ARE DIFFERENT
As a child, we are taught and we devise beliefs and strategies that we believe will get us what we want - but it is in the context of our being dependent on others for our life.
When we are no longer dependent on others for our own life and where there is no longer a pact called "I'll take care of you" (from the Big People), then it would make sense to discard all those strategies and beliefs that we were taught when we were dependent.
NEW STRATEGIES
Indeed, the thing we need to do is to gain more strategies that will "work "for sure" to get us what we want in life - and then implement them ourselves. This is called "being at cause". We are the unit (entity) that causes our lives and everything in it (except for that which crosses our path in the normal movement of the physical world). As we reach adulthood, we must best realize that we "control" our lives.
If we are objective in looking at life, we'll reason that life is about getting "good" results in our lives. And from that viewpoint, we would certainly logically choose to throw out all strategies that don't get us the results we want.
EFFECTIVE CONTROL IS A BIG FACTOR
If we learn and get smart enough, one of the things we would do is to stop trying to control what is not controllable, or controllable to a low degree, as these are poor payoffs for our efforts.
However, if one looks around (and perhaps at oneself), one will notice that most of us have kept on doing the attempts at control of others to get us what we want. Now that did work more often as a child, since that was the way things worked for a dependent relationship where the others were obligated to us. That is what seemed to make sense at the time - and it did, to a large degree, in that context/situation.
But it no longer makes sense to do that in adulthood.
The time and effort we put into the attempt to get a result from a "low control position" is immense in terms of quantity alone - but the real crime of it is that it pushes aside all the results we could have gotten by spending the time and effort doing what is more effective (which is certainly something we can control, direct, and cause to get an "effect").
Unless we drop all of our old unworkable control strategies, we will not be at cause over our lives and we will still be depending on what no longer works - that is called "being at the effect", as opposed to being at cause. We are waiting for "out there" to provide an effect for us - and that is not a good idea!!!!!
SOME BENEFITS!!!!!
If we "get the truth of the concept" that we are no longer dependent, then we can drop the "having to please", "get approval from", "get validation from" others - and we no longer have to hope for rescue.
You see, it is no longer applicable for you to have to be "good enough", "worthy".
You no longer are subject to anyone's judgment of you, as it will not cause anything significant in your life, because you know you will do well enough to be ok. If ou do the learning suggested by this site, you can learn to do that which is effective - anyone can. And the result will be that you will have the confidence to know that you will use the strategies that on average will work (just by using this site!).
You will actually produce results, so you will accordingly be "confident" that you can produce results. You will be confident that when you do "x", you will, at least on average, get "y". You will know you can "crank the wheel" and have something pop out the other end of the production process. You will be free to "cause" your life and to get all of what you want in life. (Of course, you must have proactively have written down all of what you want in life that is important and necessary for you to be happy.... Oh, you haven't? Well, perhaps you should. D'ya think? Write out your list, starting from the beginning by reading What Is Most Important To Do In Your Life - Attend To These And All Else Is Just A Bonus. And then dump from your life everything else that you possibly can, so you can do more of everything that gives bigger payoffs, per The 80/20 Principle, so you can Live The 80/20 Life.)
YOU WILL ALSO DROP THESE!
If you "get" this, you will also drop all blame, faulting, punishing, criticizing (pejoratively = depreciating, disparaging) - for those are attempts to control, but in an ineffective way, a way we learned as a child and never seemed to update and upgrade.
You would stop this totally - and, yes, it will take some re-training time to build the new behavior into place, along with slipping a number of times - but the worth of re-training yourself out of this destructive strategy syndrome is immense - for it is the basis for most unhappiness!!!! Learn the whole syndrome, reading the first key piece in The Fault, Blame, Right/Wrong, Good/Bad, Criticism, Anger, Punishment Syndrome Master Directory With Links. And let me be clear here: don't just glance at this, but learn it thoroughly, install it completely, as it will make a huge difference in your life!!!!
IDENTIFYING THE BELIEFS TO CHANGE
In order to facilitate the process and to "cure" the cause, you will correct your old childhood beliefs and install new ones, per Changing Beliefs. You will drop/refine:
(Any work you do should be kept in one of the Lifebook notebooks or a notebook of your own design, but always in a place where it is retrievable and usable.)
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A few extra notes:
"BUT I'M HURT AND IT WILL TAKE ME AWHILE TO RECOVER"
That statement is true in a sense, but what it might be implying is actually not true.
What is true is that you feel a bad chemical feeling in your body - and that is interpreted as "hurting". It doesn't actually "hurt" like a physical blow, but in our minds it is felt as something uncomfortable which we validly interpret as hurting - i.e. a bad feeling chemical sensation, which I then interpret to mean something else.
A "Must"?
I interpret the bad chemical feeling as having some significance other than just being a chemical storm. We think of it as a "natural consequence" from "what I've been through", for the "loss of a love", perhaps even from believing that means you are "ugly, unattractive, and unlovable". Oops, watch out, as the last word is one of being in dependence on what another thinks of you and that it is a reflection, in a sense, of your worth (or perhaps your future of loneliness and nobody ever loving you - now that's a real crock, for if you find a good person at your own level, in a sense, of attractiveness plus being a person of good character and gratitude and you are loving and doing that which makes him/her feel good, you will be loved).
Stop repeating it, if it is to go away?
The assumption that "it will take a long time" to recover is not quite true, in the sense that the assumption probably means "this is the way it is", "this is what necessarily happens". Yes, it may be what you've seen, but it is not necessarily true that it must take awhile... An emotion essentially lasts about 90 seconds until dissipating. It will not "stay" around unless you keep telling yourself the same, or similar, things to whatever it is that is causing you to be upset. In other words, you are "re-upping" it, repeating the same thoughts - and, amazingly enough, getting the same bad results (feelings)!
You do have control over the cause of what is making you feel upset. The cause is always a thought, almost always based on a belief. If you repeat the thought, you get the same mechanical result! (Remember, we are "mechanical" beings. Yes, people think we are "emotional beings". While it is true that we have a system based on emotions that cause motion, it is not true that we are simply the victim of them. Instead, we are the "cause" of them - or more accurately the collection of data and information that is piled together into "a neuronal pattern will cause a related emotion that is associated with the perception of an event." See Your Mechanical Brain/Body - Summary. You are not the victim of some mythical entity within. There is not even an "inner child" or "another voice" or any "force" that is controlling you - read the summary page of The Believing Brain - Know This! Or Be The Victim Of It, For Life! )
What the truth is...
So, the truth is:
You thought that this person would be the love of your life, loving you for who you truly are (or some romantic version of this). You would feel loved and excited by another. Finally, totally accepted. This would make you a worthwhile, lovable human being, appreciated by another, for your great sexy bod, your mind, for who you are, for how unique you are...
Oops. It looks like we "fool ourselves" in the hope for returning back to being loved by our caregivers, but perhaps a better version that we always hoped for. However, people tend to have their own agenda, even a different picture of what the love of their life might be or even about whether they really want to be in a relationship. Or the person just doesn't know how to love or is so concerned about him/herself that he/she really can't love. If that person doesn't love you, it doesn't mean anything at all about your happiness and your life. Yes, for a bit, due to your interpretation that it does matter, it will mean some unhappiness, but over time it will just be a glitch in your life. It will mean nothing, especially if you have perspective about love and life.
If we are so upset, are we not still stuck in our childhood thinking of how "I must have love to survive"?
We don't actually "need" it in the sense that we can still survive even if we don't have it. Of course, because of the way we evolved, cooperating and being with people gives us "good chemical" sensations - but we control our cooperating and being with people and doing that which is kind and/or contributing.
I recommend that if you are hurt and having a tough time getting over it that you learn what love really is and how it works (and how it doesn't work). As for getting over a feeling, read what the young monk experienced when his mother died - yes, sadness to be processed, but not to be exaggerated, misinterpreted, and constantly repeated: Sadness - A Core Emotion - And How Not To Be Its Victim.
(Yes, I know it is "hard" to let go of beliefs that have been such a core of your life. But it is essential that you do - as those beliefs will do you harm over and over and over. Please spend the time to "sufficiently" "master" the subject around which the belief is - and then you'll be free. Please don't stop short, please don't let yourself continue to be "at the effect of" it!)
