DISCUSSING PERSONAL, POLITICAL, RELIGIOUS, BELIEFS ISSUES
A DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD TO ENTER...
There are some discussions that will lead one into the areas with alot of landmines, that will blow up with damaging consequences to relationships. Though one may think he/she is skilled enough to step between the landmines and to successfully get to the other side, consider that the odds are against you! (And only a fool, or an addicted gambler, would go against the odds!)
WE HUMANS THINK ARE OPINIONS "ARE US"
It is unreasonable and not wise to expect a person not to have become attached to his/her opinions, especially in near, or dear, or emotional, or personal belief areas.
"You're making me wrong."
"No, I'm just discussing an intellectual issue and being objective."
Well, don't forget that you cannot reason with a human being (which is the species you're likely talking to) who is in "upset land", because that almost always means that they are not in a rational mode of thinking using their higher brain. They (we) are, instead, in a lower, defensive, survival mode, with the lower primitive brains in control - which is never a good idea. Never leave the monkey mind in charge! And never enter the monkey cage without expecting the possibility of being crapped upon - due to your own self being responsible for foolishly choosing to enter the cage!
If someone says "you're making me wrong!" that is what is called "a sign" - a sign that we are traipsing through "emotion" land and in upset, ready to blow up anytime...in a high sensitivity zone!
JUST STOP!
Just stop!
Do a time out for enough time to settle down. Never start it up if you can't attain that level, for there is unlikely to be any resolution and it is more likely that further upsets will occur, with likely resentments (since the "other person" is always wrong and might even have "bad intentions", is just being mean, or whatever other lower mind description that pops up).
If a person says "oh, that's not true", then the primitive defensive mind can associate that in a seemingly random, nonthinking way with the idea that "oh, you are wrong" or see it as "if he/she criticizes my idea, since it is a part of me, he/she is criticizing me - and dammit I will defend myself against this person who is acting like my enemy."
A funny thing about humans, that it will pay off to know and honor: they actually act and behave like humans, not like the ideal unrealistic image and expectations that we think "should be". We are limited beings (great ones, but still with limits), so it is not wise and very "unsmart" to expect otherwise. Do not expect us to always be rational!
JOINT AND INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY
I suggest that you take the responsibility to help each other avoid entering the area of great landmines at all.
You know where your landmines are and you can help you and the other person not to get blown up by you taking the responsibility to not go into that area in the first place. That is preferable to letting the discussion go on and then blaming the other for getting into the discussion and for 'being so callous and judgmental' (which you are sure they are being, those inconsiderate bastards!).
And do not expect the other person to know how you are feeling, the level of feeling, and the degree of resentment he/she is creating. You are responsible for this, as you are the only (at least the likely best) expert on how you are feeling. So, it is you who has the primary responsibility to halt the discussion, stop it forever, or to take a time out so that it can be resolved when calm minds are prevailing.
Stop! Do not blame the other person! You are of primary responsibility! (Even if the other person is foolishly engaging in bad behavior!)
THE RULES
With anyone other than the rare, truly objective person, follow the rule: Never discuss politics or religion!
And with anyone, unless there is some crucial positive thing that must be attained, never discuss any personal belief issues in any way other than simply acknowledging the other's feelings. Of course, if you need to have a change, then you would use the "change request" mode and carefully follow the rules - and be willing to acknowledge that there are still risks and there may be problems. Hopefully, you will have a partner who is at least willing to take responsibility to patch up the relationship, rather than insisting on being stuck in making the other person wrong. In fact, you should be that kind of person AND you should screen out your significant other to make sure he/she is that type of person - it is vitally important that you do this!. (Link to the "Behavior Change Request" page under the "requesting that partner 'improve' or change" section of the page "Communicating With Integrity" In Relationships.)
THE SAVING GRACE...
Indeed, John Gottman, the marriage/relationship researcher, says that he can predict (proven to be with over 90% accuracy) which relationships will not last by their style of resolving issues and dealing with them while still respecting the other person and not getting stuck in resentment - and the desire to fix things up rather than be "right" about it. It is interesting that it is the person's attitude, rather than the techniques and skills one has at one's disposal, is the determinant of the outcome - as the person will get to resolution no matter the obstacles. (See The Positivity Ratio and the blog entry for The Gottman Institute Manage Conflict: The Six Skills.)
It is important to note and look for whether the person has grown up learnng to resolve things by cooperation or by being combative. You want yourself to have and for the other person to have a resolution style that is based on cooperation rather the the "punishment" style that many people believe is the way to go. (See Inflicting Pain On Another To Get A Result - From A Childish Belief.)
WHAT IS ACTUALLY INVOLVED HERE
Whenever there is an upset or a blow up, it is always in defense of something - the person feels threatened in some way.
For instance, if someone says "well, you told me that you didn't want me ever to touch you when you're sleeping" that may actually be an expression of the person feeling hurt or vulnerable or even unattractive, no matter the logic or lack of it. So, entering this in an objective mode may be unlikely to be advisable. Reassurance is probably the tactic to take, as you care about the other person not feeling bad.
If you say: "well, that's not really true, it's not what I actually said", then you are entering the land of "are you saying I'm wrong!?!" or "you are just trying to be right, just like you always do!" (You can tell when a person is not being rationally objective, because you'll hear alot of what are called "thinking errors", such as generalizing something that might be true once in a while to being indicative of all related things or using the extremes of "never" and "always". Anyway, they are, at that point, being human and being in a reactive, non-thinking mode that is irrational and in upset mode. Stop! Do not proceed further. Reassure, be kind, be understanding.)
Perhaps a good responses might be: "Oh, I love you to touch me. I don't want you to feel bad about that. It is just that I get so stimulated when you touch me when I am sleeping that I wake up and I usually end up being not able to go back to sleep and end up being tired and feeling bad all day. I know you don't want that. So, how do you think we can work this out, so you feel better about it." Or maybe something smarter than that - but know that we humans don't always come up with the perfect way to say things, so forgive yourself for not doing as well as possible and acknowledge yourself for trying to do what is right and good and supportive of your partner. And never resent your partner for such natural human behavior, for he/she is just feeling sensitive and certainly is not in a higher brain mode!
AND, FURTHERMORE...
Realize that you are probably engaging in the low payoff, possible negative payoff involved in trying to persuade, convince, or correct. Realize that it may take a bit of effort and a few failures in trying your best to stop doing it. This is discussed in No Payoff Convincing, Persuading, Correcting.
